FF7 uncut
by aersi7
Summary: I know it's not original but it was fun.


Disclaimer: Well they aint mine, and I've got no money so don't bother suing.

Author's note: I know this is overdone but it looked fun and I simply had to do it!

Besides, what in life is truly original? Think about it…

Scene: Opening sequence with Aeris walking down the green-lit alleyway. Suddenly the flowers in her hands start buzzing and a bee flies out, stinging her on the hand. She runs around cursing and smashes into the camera, screaming 'Get it off me! Get the f**king thing OFF ME!'

CUT!!!

Scene: Sector (seven or six?) slums when Cloud has to dress up like a girl. When Aeris goes in to peek on him changing at the dress shop Cloud leaps out in the rubber head of the midgar zolom and scares the shit out of Aeris who runs away screaming while the rest of the cast members stand there laughing.

CUT!!!

Scene: In Don Corneos' room where Cloud is the chosen date, when he goes to jump Cloud our bleached blonde hero puts on a high voice and says 'oh donny you're such a stud' and kisses him bugs bunny style. Everyone laughs offstage except Tifa whose dress is chafing her. She goes to throw a grenade from the props table at Cloud for his lack of maturity and for wasting her time but Vincent swapped it for a 'confuse' spell and it hits Cloud on the head in a puff of pink dust. When the smoke clears Cloud is dressed in a maryiln monroe dress winking at Don Corneo complete with sexy pout and sultry look. The Director has to have Cloud dragged offstage until the spell wears off.

CUT!!!

Scene: President Shinra has been killed and because Cloud is not recovered from his confuse attack earlier on in the day, Zack has been put in a blonde wig and is standing in for him. He also has to wear coloured contact lenses.

Half way through the scene, before Rufus comes along, Zack loses a contact lense and sheepishly crawls around on the floor to find it. Cid creeps up behind him and sticks Aeris' wizard staff right up his arse, making everyone double over with laughter whilst Aeris runs around screaming 'Hey! First Jerry Springer and now Zack? Leave my staff alone!' (NB thatd only make sense if you've read an earlier fic of mine….) Meanwhile Zack is almost comatose and manages to whisper 'geez Aeris now I understand why you were so reluctant to try that new position……..'

Just b4 the director yells 'Cut!' Cloud, still in his marilyn monroe dress, runs from backstage and jumps on the Shinra HQ desk ands sings to the dead pres, 'Happy birthday mr. President'. The pres., whos sposed to be acting dead, starts shaking with laughter while the director is yelling for everyone to get the hell back into position. 

CUT!!!

Scene: The gang are escaping from Shinra headquarters (in wicked CGI) but when Red XIII tries to jump onboard he misses and falls flat on his face.

Scene: The Chocbo races when Cloud is trying to get everyone into the Gold saucer. His chocbo starts bucking wildly and throws him on the ground, then runs offsatge and begins chasing Aeris around the set. 'Why me?' she cries as she slams into the catering table, sending sugary dougnuts everywhere. Even though shes in lots of danger everyone is too busy laughing to help her out.

Scene: on the gondola ride when Aeris is having a deep and meaningful conversation with Cloud. Just when she says 'Cloud?' and he is looking out the window, she swaps places with Hojo and he jumps in silently, and when Cloud says 'yeah…?' Hojo says in a deep voice 'I am your father.'

Scene: The end of a battle when the gang receives their items, instead of a potion cloud gets a bottle of peroxide. "yeah very funny….' he laughs.

Scene: Costa del Sol when Tifa and Aeris are sunbaking. Vincent and Cid creep up behind them and wip off their bikin tops and shower them with water bombs while the girls cant do anything and have to keep themselves covered. Something that looks a lot like a wad of tiolet paper falls onto the ground near Tifas feet. 'What? Did you think they were real?' she asks amid peels of Aeris' laughter.


End file.
